The following entry is a bit I posted on the radio program's Speaking of Faith website. I've also attached a link to the site at the bottom of the page. At the SOF website there's more stories from caregivers, a discussion about dementia and some other relevant info.
I am my mother's caregiver. She lives in a secured dementia unit nearby and I've been caring for her for the last 2-1/2 years. I also have a 3-1/2 year old son so I am very aware of being part of the so-called "sandwich" generation. I find it very challenging to be split between two worlds. My son is learning about his surroundings at lightning speed while my mother is retreating inward and losing her grasp on reality bit by bit. She's forgetting how to use utensils, she can't toilet herself, and language is an increasingly frustrating thing for her. Fortunately, she is always in a good mood and happy to see me, even though she's not quite sure who I am. Sometimes I'm her sister, other times I am a kindly helper. She seems to know that I belong to her somehow but she's just not sure of the particulars. I never quiz her about it; asking her who I am just seems to put her on the spot and she gets embarrassed. I just accept what my role is for that visit and carry on. One of the surprises that I've discovered about her is that she has maintained her keen observations about raising children. She raised five of us and the wisdom she gained from that remains firmly intact.
Some of the best advice I've received as a parent has come from my mother. My son Henry and I were visiting her in the nursing home and Henry was hopping around the room eating my mom's cookies by the handful. I was busy toileting her in the adjacent bathroom so I had to be okay with that. It kept him busy and not too destructive. When Mom and I came out of the bathroom, Henry had spit out a huge mass of chocolate cookie on her brand new bedspread. She was curious about the gloppy mess, not upset, she just wanted to know what it was. I was trying to remain calm because the food spitting had become one of Henry's annoying specialties and it was currently working my last nerve.
So I tried to explain the situation: "Mom, I don't know why but Henry's been spitting food out for the last couple months and it drives me crazy and I can't reason with him because he's just so flipping willful. What do I do? It doesn't matter what I say, I just can't seem to stop him from doing it." I wasn't really expecting an answer, it just felt comforting to commiserate with another mom.
So I was floored when she simply said, "Oh, you just love him."
That was such a perfect response to a very frustrating situation. Mom wasn't judging me or making overly simple suggestions or blaming the child. She was telling me in simple terms that raising children is extremely challenging and that sometimes there's really not much to do about it but love that child and know that this will pass.
Becoming the caregiver for my mom when I was just learning how to become a mother to my own child has been very difficult on many levels. However, I know that she's helping me be a better person because I am learning about patience and compassion and just loving people for who they are.
Some of the best advice I've received as a parent has come from my mother. My son Henry and I were visiting her in the nursing home and Henry was hopping around the room eating my mom's cookies by the handful. I was busy toileting her in the adjacent bathroom so I had to be okay with that. It kept him busy and not too destructive. When Mom and I came out of the bathroom, Henry had spit out a huge mass of chocolate cookie on her brand new bedspread. She was curious about the gloppy mess, not upset, she just wanted to know what it was. I was trying to remain calm because the food spitting had become one of Henry's annoying specialties and it was currently working my last nerve.
So I tried to explain the situation: "Mom, I don't know why but Henry's been spitting food out for the last couple months and it drives me crazy and I can't reason with him because he's just so flipping willful. What do I do? It doesn't matter what I say, I just can't seem to stop him from doing it." I wasn't really expecting an answer, it just felt comforting to commiserate with another mom.
So I was floored when she simply said, "Oh, you just love him."
That was such a perfect response to a very frustrating situation. Mom wasn't judging me or making overly simple suggestions or blaming the child. She was telling me in simple terms that raising children is extremely challenging and that sometimes there's really not much to do about it but love that child and know that this will pass.
Becoming the caregiver for my mom when I was just learning how to become a mother to my own child has been very difficult on many levels. However, I know that she's helping me be a better person because I am learning about patience and compassion and just loving people for who they are.
